I had this weird episode the other night, it was like I was five years old again hiding under my bed and waiting for my dad to come home. I kind of spaced out for a while and zoned into some really bad childhood memories that I almost convinced myself I had forgot about. I’ve felt really strange since, I can’t get rid of the feeling that something bad is going to happen soon and I know I’m just over thinking and being paranoid but I am genuinely worried. I’m not worried for myself because I don’t live with my parents anymore but my younger brother does and despite his promises that everything at home is okay, I still worry. 

It makes me so sad, I wish I could just take my siblings and wrap them up and bubble wrap and keep them safe and happy for the rest of their lives. I’m being really nostalgic which is something I never allow myself to do because I always get emotional but I really do have the best siblings in the world and they deserve so much happiness, love and safety and I wish I could give that to them. 

flaws

I’m tired today, not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I feel so drained, people expect too much from me and I can’t live up to their ridiculous high standards. I can feel sadness lying heavy behind my eyes and it makes my head hurt. I’m not good at writing out how I feel – it doesn’t flow and I don’t have the talent. I don’t know why I try.

I have a pretty negative outlook on my day which is distorted because it was going quite well up until after dinner around six PM. Nevertheless, here I am. I’m sad and tired and I hate feeling so low. I hate feeling sorry for myself.

People don’t understand how hard living with depression is, everyone is so inconsiderate and quick to judge and I hate it. I hate being this person, I hate being judged for this illness and I just want to be done with it. I feel like the worst person on earth and I think I should just take myself away from everything right now. Maybe I’ll nap for a day or two who knows.

 

I went for a walk the other morning at like 6 AM and everything was so pretty I couldn’t help myself from taking a couple of photos to capture how incredible everything was. Sadly I can only upload one photo at a time which is a bit tedious so I’m just gonna post my favourite which is this one. I really love nature and this tree was pretty sweet, the colours are so pretty and the little flower blossoms were blooming and I’m just so in love with the earth sometimes.

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I don’t know why I find it so hard to write out my thoughts on paper or in text I am just constantly plagued by the fear that people are going to laugh at me and mock my work, like, it terrifies me. For someone who has little to no talent my words are everything to me, everything I write is 90% my feelings and due to past experiences I have learned that some cruel people just don’t have consideration for anyone’s feelings but there own. So yeah, this is scary for me. I mean, I’m not used to this and I doubt anyone is even going to read anything I have to say but I guess I have decided this is what’s best for me. I have wasted so many years hiding and keeping everything in and sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode so yeah, this is good. I think.

I’m currently drinking a cup of tea – 1 sugar and a splash of soy milk – and I just can’t shut my brain off. I am cursed with the terrible two AM blues. I think I’m having a mid life crises. Or no, I think I’m having an existential crisis. Yep, I’m definitely having an existential crises. Why am I alive? Who am I? What am I doing here? I don’t have answers for these questions and quite frankly, these thoughts are making my head hurt. Sometimes I just wanna take my brain out of my skull for a little bit.

On the brighter side, I’m listening to a really cool/happy mix and I’m a little sleepier than I was an hour ago so hopefully that means I’ll doze off soon. I didn’t mean to make this sound like a diary entry but there we have it.